How To: Understanding Snot

I was in the shower just now, which provided a good opportunity to blow my nose. Unlike out in public, where not using a tissue would be frowned upon (and would also result in a condition I'll call "snot-palm"), in the shower any blockages that are cleared can be immediately washed away with sweet sweet running water.  Steam and water also provide a handy loosening agent for any encrusted boogers.

Whether blowing into a tissue, your hand, or the face of a passer-by, snot can come in a variety of forms. This guide attempts to cover the commonly occurring types and what they could mean for you / your nose (note: if you are actually concerned by the appearance of your snot, this guide will not help you. Please consult a suitable health professional).


Soft and Green

This is the commonest type of snot, which everyone will be familiar with. When you look down into your tissue after blowing this is likely what you will see.

Appearance:
As the title suggests, shades of green will be predominant here and consistency will generally be soft and gooey. Slight variation may occur, along with possible flecks of booger.

What it means:
Everything is normal and your nose hole environment is within standard operating conditions. Large quantities may indicate the onset (or tail-end) of a cold.


White and Sticky

We've likely all be here too. Your nose probably feels backed up and snot production appears to be in overdrive.

Appearance:
Much lighter than the green and soft regular snot, and much harder to blow out due to the sticky consistency. It can often appear white or translucent.

What it means:
Your nose has turned into a war zone. The lighter colour probably means your snot is packed with white cells, which are attempting to fight off some nasty bacteria. You probably feel like shit and hopefully have a stockpile of tissues close at hand. Either that or your partner has bad (or very good depending) aim.


Dry and Flaky

You have probably noticed that the inside of your nose is a little itchy and upon closer investigation you have a case of the "dry and flakies".

Appearance:
Colouration will likely be pretty normal, but consistency will be decidedly dry and hard and will likely break into smaller flakes readily. If you want to smuggle snot into food as a "dressing" then this type will probably arouse the least suspicion from the (deserving, I'm sure) victim.

What it means:
It is likely that you are dehydrated, maybe you had too much to drink last night and are hungover (yep, that's dehydration at work too). Clear out the flakes and any areas of associated "nose concrete" as best as you can. Oh, and get yourself a glass of water or two.


Black and/or Red

You may or may not have had a nose bleed recently, but either way there is something going on up there.

Appearance:
There are a few variations that can fall into this category. You may notice streaks of red along with your usual snot output or maybe even a lovely gooey red blood clot. Either that or hard, almost black chunks that can often impede air flow.

What it means:
There can be a number of explanations here. You can have recently been hit in the face for being an annoying twat. Maybe you have an expensive coke (white and powdery, rather than dark and fizzy) habit, or maybe you just like shoving your finger up your nose holes far too often. Your options are therefore either to stop pissing people off so much that they resort to physical violence, cut down on the white stuff or just stop picking so much.

In the event that none of those is the cause and you happen to have weak blood vessels in your nose, then I feel for you.


"Brain Juice"

Appearance:
Long and stringy, and can often lead to watery eyes upon extraction.

What it means:
Every so often, your brain builds up excess fluid, and the easiest way for it to "relieve" itself is through the nasal cavity. That feeling you get when a particularly long and stringy gloop finds its way out occurs because it is actaully detaching itself from the brain's surface. Be careful if this happens when you are out shopping, as it can leave you more open to persuasion. Resist!


I hope you have found this guide to snot helpful. It is certainly not an exhaustive list and should in no way be taken seriously.